Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
