Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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