dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Randomize
