You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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