just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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