hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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