opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize