Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
organizing the empties. That sober.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
