I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
