Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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