Cold hands, warm shart.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
