Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
