Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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