ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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