Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
