I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
