my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
