it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
