just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
