Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
