all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
