Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize