My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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