dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
