You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I need to calm my uterus...
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
