Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
