god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
