Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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