I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Randomize
