Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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