If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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