Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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