Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
