I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
