wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
