i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
