I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
COCAINE IS GR8
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