your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
even my farts smell like vagina
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I supernannyed him into submission
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
A bitchslap is in order.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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