I'm gonna have a badass scar
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
