when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
he fucked my hip out of place.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
