one two three fourrrrnication!
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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