I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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