how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
