I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
