I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
