Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
