I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
