My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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