Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
