Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
