Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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