I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
