i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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