I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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