TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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