my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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