we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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