Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
