if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
