worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
