He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
