I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
