We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
